Ten pairs of shoes you should never date

Taking a piece of inspiration from the brand new trend of making lists, I thereby pronounce myself eager to fill in another one.
I have no intention of offending anyone, but well--if you feel offended, answer your own question. In fact it might look like I'm being mean, but I'm just drawn that way. (YES, I'M MEAN)

10. The cowboy boots

Okay, anyone in the world should seriously reconsider the barefoot style instead of this, because there MUST be something wrong with those who do like these shoes. And this should be taken as a sign. Especially if you're not riding a bull. And if you are, well maybe one ranch stand?

9. New Rock

The Eighties are long gone, but some happily disturbed people just like to be heavy in every sense of the word. The metalhead who wears this piece of art can be recognised by the zombie-style walk, every night I'm shuffling!

8. Flip-flops

A real threat to humanity, it's apparently impossible to tell a green field from a cold steel rail California from Milan, that's why all these people are confused about it! Therefore my piece of advice is: "help a confused Californian--take him to the seaside". At least we won't hear him dragging those rubbers, causing Panic! on the streets of Londoooon...

7. White Superga

Coleridge used the albatros to convey the damnation of the ancient mariner, Superga goes beyond the limits of modernity and introduces you to one of the worst breeds of humankind. Mandatory with chinos, white Supergas will take you out on a romantic date on their Porsche-shaped boat. Help yourself to some murder.

6. Toms

Or "the deceiving shoes". Always look down first, in order to avoid delusions. It's this summer's latest trend, and even the cool ones will eventually show up wearing them, one day. Unfortunately, hating Toms means hating the 80% of the population. Nevertheless, it will be helpful in the future. In the meanwhile, you can walk around with a cutter.

5. MBT or The Rocking Shoes

Or how I learned to stop standing and love kinetics. People wearing this incredible, ergonomic piece of contemporary art should not be avoided. Instead, whenever you see one of these rockers you should hug them. Turn yourself in a pro bono social worker and help them realise it's a trap, an ugly trap. It's karma. What goes around rocks around.

4. Timberland

Unless you're Bob the Builder. Even if you are. Red Lorry Yellow Lorry's album was Paint your wagon, not your shoes. It's too painful to write about these shoes, that colour is killing my eyes so I'll just move on.

3. Crocs

"I hate myself and I want to die" was written about this. I guess Kurt is now grinning at us. And I seriously hope this works. 

2. Mocassins

Usually worn by a demented person, the mocassin is unquestionably a sign of smartness and wealth (and I'm a serious person). The only solution to a sailing club addict is hiding in a yellow submarine because, although people use them on boats, there's no connection between the two of them. This is the logical reason for hating those who wear mocassins, with or without socks (you're hideous either way. There's nooo other waaaay.)

1. Hogan 

This is what made me lose faith in the Italian race. And emigrate. Regression and decadence of the postmodern era summarised in a shoe. Because yes, what you've despised for ages because it's orthopaedic now it's cool and what I'm wondering is whether all these designers we have nowadays will make any good to our environment and society. The answer is NO and I from now on I'm going to kill Hogan people to make human leather out of them.

 AND GIVE THE LEATHER TO GERMAN TOURISTS